Lately
I find myself trapped
in a web of emotion
so strong
and tangled
that even I
can’t figure out
what it is
that I need.
Want.
Should do.
A web
woven so tightly
that I am unable
to use thoughts
or words
to work my way free.
And so I sit
stagnant
and drenched
in exhaustion.
The sheer weight
of this web
is more
than I can carry
let alone
the force it will take
to untangle.
I’m scared of dying
she told him, a foot of space carefully placed between her face and the window.
He was on the outside,
standing.
Thinking.
Thinking about her answer and what it meant
about her
and him
and the past she carried around like old wallpaper over new walls.
Fuck it, he…
I’m in a group video chat with 52 others - Click to watch or join: http://tinychat.com/omginternetparty
So I just got home from my dad’s. On the plane ride home from Dallas to Baton Rouge I met this guy. He had the most beautiful eyes. And even though his teeth weren’t perfectly straight, his smile lit up like none other that I have ever seen. He was unlike anyone I have ever met, and I would love to get to know him more. Problem is I don’t know if we will ever get to talk again. I hope he does try to find me over facebook so that we can get to know each other better, because I loved talking to him, but I don’t know if he will and that makes me pretty sad. I hope I get to talk to him again, because I don’t know that there is another person like him out there. And he was very inspiring.:)
I’ve been spending a lot of time alone lately. It let’s me think. Sometimes that isn’t such a good thing because of my anxiety, but this week it has helped so much. I decided to be friends with Heather again. I am sick of Steven ruining every friendship and relationship I ever find. I loved mine and Heather’s friendship and I love her very much. I missed what we had. I know it will never be the same, but to have her back in my life means a lot even if I do have to work around Steven. But I know one day she’ll need me to be there for her when he leaves, because he will. I have been there and I know the pain he can cause someone. I want her to know that there is someone out there that will treat her right, and will never leave. Even if it seems like it takes so long to find them, and even if you have a few more heartbreaks, they are out there and they are so much better than Steven and how he treats girls. I know it bothers him, because he is a good friend, he just has had no example in relationships to know how treat a girl with respect and not leave her and hurt her. Plus he is still young, they both are. Not that I’m so old myself, but I’ve recently realized these things that neither of them have even realized. I mean yeah I really like Michael, but he isn’t my life and I know I have so much more than him. Even if I end up staying with him, I will always keep that in my mind, and know that I have goals for myself and I shouldn’t throw them away to try to keep a relationship. Well I feel so much better now that I have Heather back in my life, I hope I can help her as much as she has helped me!
I have known about TWLOHA for about two years now. I struggle with depression, and refuse to let any close because of the hurt I have already experienced from others. My friend told me about TWLOHA and how they help people that also struggle with depression. I looked at the website and was blown away. I felt like I was the only person that felt like I do, but I’m not. I am among many people who struggle with things as bad as and sometimes worse than the things I struggle with. I tell people about TWLOHA as much as possible and support the projects they do. Anytime I feel myself getting down, I go to their website and read other people’s stories. And I always remember LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT!
I’m just so overwhelmed…I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know who to talk to, I don’t know what to say to anyone. Everything I say sounds dumb because no one understands. I push everyone away. Either because I try to hard to make things work, or because I am scared to death to get close to them. I feel like everyone will stab me in the back and I just can’t deal with that anymore. I have so few friends and some of the ones I have put me down all the time and act like I am so stupid. On the outside I have the best self-esteem, but on the inside I’m falling apart. Everything’s falling apart. I thought that once I got over Steven things would be a little better but here I am not wanting him at all, but I still feel like shit. I can’t even focus on school or anything else because my personal life is so fucked up. How did I get here? To the place where no one cares. If they do, they don’t show it. And. The one’s that actually do care I won’t let anywhere near me, because I’m afraid if they see who I really am that they’ll run. Or try to correct me. There is nothing anyone can say to change who I am. I have tried many times to change myself, but I am who I am. The problem is that I am the person that pushes people away. I just need someone there to talk to. I don’t want advice or anything. I simply want them to listen and to know that they care about me. I don’t seem of the highest importance to anyone and it hurts so badly, because I care so easily. And I hurt so easily too. I know this will be over soon, but right now it feels like it will never end.
